Updated on December 11, 2024
Why do some relationships make you feel energized and supported while others leave you doubting yourself or feeling disconnected?
In his book Deeper Dating, therapist Ken Page explores this idea through three key concepts:
- Attractions of deprivation
- Attractions of inspiration
- Core gifts
These ideas can help us understand the types of relationships we’re drawn to and how to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling connections.
What Are Attractions of Deprivation?
Attractions of deprivation happen when relationships mirror old wounds or reinforce insecurities. These connections often make us feel like we’re not enough or like we have to prove our worth to be loved.
Imagine being in a relationship where your needs are repeatedly ignored, where it feels safer to suppress your true self than to risk vulnerability. Over time, these dynamics can leave you feeling unworthy and disconnected—not just from the other person but also from yourself.
When we’re stuck in attractions of deprivation, we may downplay or hide parts of ourselves to avoid rejection. But this only deepens the sense that we’re flawed or undeserving of love.
What Are Attractions of Inspiration?
In contrast, attractions of inspiration foster connection, trust, and growth. These relationships make us feel valued and accepted for who we are.
Ken Page explains that these relationships encourage us to embrace our core gifts—the unique qualities that define us, even if they sometimes make us feel vulnerable. In these connections, we feel safe enough to be fully authentic, which deepens intimacy and creates mutual respect.
What Are Core Gifts?
Core gifts are the traits that make us who we are, but they can also be the hardest for us to embrace. They are often the parts of ourselves we feel most insecure about, but when we own and share them, they become our greatest strengths.
Examples of Core Gifts
Core gifts look different for everyone, but here are a few examples:
- Intensity: Being passionate and driven can inspire others but may also leave you feeling “too much” in relationships where this gift isn’t appreciated.
- Curiosity: A deep interest in people and the world keeps life exciting, but it can feel vulnerable if your curiosity is dismissed or not reciprocated.
- Sensuality and Sexuality: Fully embracing this gift can make you feel alive and authentic, though it may bring up insecurities in relationships lacking trust.
Embracing your core gifts takes courage, but doing so allows you to connect more deeply with yourself and others.
How Do These Ideas Apply to Your Relationships?
When you reflect on your relationships, ask yourself:
- Do I feel safe and valued for who I am?
- Can I share my core gifts, or do I need to hide them?
- Does this connection bring out the best in me, or does it reinforce feelings of insecurity or inadequacy?
Relationships based on inspiration allow you to feel seen and supported, while those rooted in deprivation often make you question your worth. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward building healthier, more meaningful connections.
Tips for Building Healthier Connections
If you find yourself drawn to relationships that feel unbalanced or unfulfilling, here are some steps to consider:
- Identify Your Core Gifts: Reflect on the traits that make you unique. What qualities feel most authentic to you, even if they make you feel vulnerable?
- Recognize Patterns: Pay attention to whether your relationships encourage growth or reinforce old wounds.
- Practice Self-Acceptance: Embrace your core gifts with compassion and without judgment.
- Set Boundaries: Protect yourself from relationships that consistently leave you feeling unworthy or unsupported.
Final Thoughts
Our relationships shape how we view ourselves and interact with the world. We can foster intimacy, trust, and mutual growth by choosing connections that inspire and honor our core gifts.
If you’re struggling with relationship dynamics or feeling disconnected from your true self, therapy can offer guidance. At Firefly Therapy Austin, our therapists can help you explore patterns and build healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Ready to take the next step? Contact Firefly Therapy Austin to schedule an appointment with one of our skilled therapists.
References
Page, K. (2014). Deeper Dating. Shambhala Publications.
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