Updated on September 30, 2024
What is Shame, and Why Does It Happen?
Shame is a powerful and deeply ingrained emotion that can impact how you see yourself and interact with others. While guilt makes you feel bad about something you’ve done, shame tells you that you, as a person, are flawed. It says, “There’s something wrong with me,” “I don’t deserve love or connection,” or “I’m not enough.”
But why does shame show up in our lives? Often, shame is rooted in past experiences—it could stem from a difficult or traumatic event, your upbringing, or even the environment you’re in today.
Why Shame Happens
- Upbringing and family dynamics: Many people who experience shame grew up in environments where they felt criticized, compared to others, or made to feel inadequate. If you were constantly told that you weren’t living up to expectations or that you should hide your mistakes, shame could become a default emotional response.
- Trauma: Shame is a common byproduct of trauma. Whether it’s childhood trauma, emotional abuse, neglect, or any experience where you felt powerless, shame can make you believe that the traumatic event was somehow your fault, even when it wasn’t. This leads to deep feelings of unworthiness or self-blame.
- Social influences and comparisons: Shame can also be triggered by the people we surround ourselves with. If you’re in environments where you feel judged, compared, or not “good enough,” shame can creep in. Social media, for instance, can amplify these feelings when we compare ourselves to others’ curated versions of success and happiness.
How Shame Shows Up in Your Life
You might not always recognize shame immediately because it often disguises itself as negative self-talk or the desire to withdraw from social situations. For example, imagine attending a business networking event where something embarrassing happens. Maybe you stumbled over your words or spilled your drink. Although it may not have been a big deal to others, shame can replay that moment, telling you, “You looked foolish” or “People probably think you’re incompetent.”
This inner dialogue keeps you from trying again, telling you that you’ll only embarrass yourself in the future. Shame takes over by making you feel small, insecure, and unworthy, even when the situation isn’t as bad as you think.
Recognizing the Signs of Shame
Many people experience shame without realizing what’s happening. Here are some signs that shame may be affecting you:
- Negative self-talk: You replay mistakes or awkward moments repeatedly in your head, telling yourself you’re not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough.
- Avoidance: You avoid situations where you might feel exposed or judged, such as social gatherings or public speaking opportunities.
- Putting others first: You consistently prioritize others’ needs and feelings over your own, believing that your needs aren’t as important or that you don’t deserve to be taken care of.
- Feeling unworthy: You feel like you don’t belong, that there’s something inherently wrong with you, or that you’re unlovable.
Why It’s Important to Recognize Shame
Shame keeps us stuck. If left unchecked, it can prevent us from pursuing opportunities, building relationships, or being our authentic selves. The good news is that once you recognize shame for what it is, you can start taking steps to overcome it.
How to Break Free from Shame
If you’re struggling with shame, knowing you can break free is important. Here are a few steps you can try when you feel overwhelmed by these emotions:
- Acknowledge the shame: The first step is recognizing when shame is at play. Say to yourself, “This is shame I’m feeling.” Acknowledging it takes away some of its power.
- Challenge negative self-talk: When you hear that critical voice saying, “I’m not good enough,” stop and ask yourself, “Is this really true?” Often, you’ll realize that your mind is exaggerating the situation.
- For example, if you replay an awkward moment from a networking event, remind yourself that it probably wasn’t as noticeable to others as you think.
- Take a small step forward: Even when shame tells you to withdraw, take a small step toward connection. Reach out to someone you trust. Vulnerability helps break down the walls that shame builds.
- Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Think about how you’d treat a close friend who is struggling, and extend that same kindness to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, and those mistakes don’t define who you are.
The Power of Connection
It’s natural to want to hide when shame appears, but the connection is one of the most powerful tools for combating it. Reaching out to others—even in small ways—can remind you that you are worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging.
When you push through the shame and open up, you may be surprised by how people respond. Often, you’ll be met with kindness, understanding, and even shared experiences. Shame tells us to expect rejection, but the reality is that we’re often cared for more than we realize.
Brené Brown’s Insight on Shame
Brené Brown’s TED Talk, “Listening to Shame,” offers a powerful message about how shame keeps us from living fully. In her talk, Brown explains that shame convinces us we’re not worthy of love or belonging, but the antidote to shame is vulnerability. Sharing our struggles and connecting with others can weaken shame’s grip on us.
Watch her full TED Talk below to gain more insight into how to challenge and overcome shame:
Moving Forward: Embracing Imperfection
Shame may try to convince you that you are unworthy, but it’s important to remember that these feelings don’t define you. You can choose to respond to shame with compassion and courage. Start by acknowledging the emotion, challenging negative self-talk, and treating yourself with kindness.
If shame is something you’ve been struggling with, you don’t have to go through it alone. Therapy can be a safe place to explore and learn ways to overcome these feelings.
Firefly Therapy Austin is here to help. Schedule a consultation and start your journey to healing and self-compassion.
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